my coming out - as it happened |
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While I may have taken the first steps of being out of the closet, which was starting to look more like a walk-in-wardrobe, I haven't told my parents, and I need to do this before being too public. Because I don't want them to find out from a third party. When I do tell them I'll probably show them this file so that it could help them understand why I felt I had to come out at this time. Hello Mum & Dad - love you.
So on with the story, firstly let's go back to the begining of how it all started. I have known that I am gay for approximately 10 years now since I was 12. Initially this was hard while I was going through puberty as all teenages do you start to have new feelings that you haven't experienced before. But I just felt different, I didn't know I was gay at the time, I was just 'different'. Anyway time went on and I began to suspect I may well be gay - but I didn't want to be. So to a certain extent I went through a short period of denial, firstly telling myself that it was just a phase. Because while I had been growing up it was allways my hope that one day I would meet a woman, fall in love and have 2 kids. So I decided well I must be bi-sexual, which worked for a while but over time I realised that wasn't the case. Reasonably quickly I realised I was a fully blown gay. But what was interesting is that once I had accepted this, over a period of about two years I guess, I was totally happy with it. No worries, just a feeling of knowing who I was. The only problem was that I couldn't tell anyone. I was still in school at the time and a lot of "jokes" were made about and at the LGB (Lesbian, Gay & Bisexual) society. So naturally I felt isolated, not from my friends or family - I had a great and happy youth. But just a feeling that I was alone and the only gay person in the world, especially in the school. I will always remember one particular English class we had, which to this day shocks me that such things are still enforced by the government. We were doing some practise oral sessions as part of our GCSE work. Anyway a close friend was doing a talk about prejudice, sexism, racism, and homophobia. For all the talks we had to discuss them afterwards, the actual talk and the subject matter. Our teacher told us that she could not join in one part of the discussion, the part about homosexuality. Because it wasn't allowed by law or something. That's right, because by talking about being gay everyone in the class would instantly turn gay. Hello! Wake up and smell the coffee people. Was it any surprise I felt isolated? The same was in sex education. The LGB community is getting better with it's attitude to safe sex, infact it could be said that due to the old image it had it is now better then the straight community. But that doesn't mean that school kids shouln't be told about it. As you might be able to guess this is another one of my bug bears - better sex education in schools including discussion on homosexualitiy. I sometimes wish that someone would give me the money to run a trial course. One where no teachers are involved, just the kids and two or three people from outside the school. Who are idealy in their mid twenties so have a better chance of forming a raport with the pupils. Anyway that's not going to happen because that's too sensible an idea & i'm going off track.
I finally finish in school and move onto a Further Education college, which was one of the best things of my life. More for my academic development then personal. I made a lot of great new friends their, but there was still an air of 'anti-gayness' around. This wasn't really a problem but I still couldn't be myself. However, I know that a few people in college suspected anyway. So moving on from FE I went on to HE, just down the road in fact to NEWI in Wrexham. For the first year here I still didn't have any idea of a 'gay community' existing. But then in the second year I became a member of the Students' Union Executive Committee, which was fantastic! Not only was I enjoying the Union work and the new social aspect - but I actually met some real openly LGB students who became good friends. This went on for approximately a year and a half until I got my job at the college. If I hadn't got the Job I suspect I would have probably ran for President.
So what happened next? Well I started working full-time which opened a whole new world, the Internet. I had been using the Internet for loads of things, both academic and recreational since I started at the college but wasn't able to explore any aspects of a Gay Community on the net. The job helped me with this - since I got dial-in Internet access from home. It enabled me to find and make Gay friends on the Internet. For the first time I was able to admit to others in an anonymous fashion who I was. I found some really good sites, that you will find linked to on my Links page. Not just info about Gay people. also bulletin boards and support groups / sites. This really helped me out, just reading about other peoples experiences.
Now bringing it really upto date, over the past two weeks I have just decided that it was about time I came out of my walk-in-wardrobe closet. So last Tuesday became a very special day for me in my life, I told my best friend that I was gay. Or it was a more a case confirmed I was gay. It just happened on this day, but afterwards I realised that not only was this a special day but also a date with a difference. It was 1999, not just the year 1999 but it was the 1st month and the 19th day of the 99th year of the century: 1999. I marked the occasion by drawing a big red (I don't have a pink pen) smiley face in my diary. For me this date has been come my Gay Out Day. While it may not be the date I went fully public I feel it is more important then that day will be. Since it was my first big step, and I can never be totally out because people will always be finding out.
So where do I go now. Well the first place is on a really big high! For a while now I had started to feel a bit depressed about the whole thing, which was one of the big contributing factors in the timing of my coming out. Since Tuesday I have been so happy - feeling like I can't stop smiling. One emotion that I didn't really expect to feel was excitment. At last I can start to tell people who I really am.
I have been trying to think about this whole process in a way that may help straight people, gay people and those just coming / finding out understand. The best way I have discovered is taking a vision from Alice In Wonderland. I picture my personality as being many many long corridors with doors leading to different bits of me, for example Cinema Fan, Computer Techie, Coffee Drinker and Non-Drinker. Well for many years there was one door which didn't have a label so I didn't know it was their. But then it started to slowly appear, very smudged and hardly readable at first. Then some letters could be made out which after a while could be clearly seen as saying 'Being Gay'. But the door was locked, and remained locked for a long time. Then one day while walking around next to a door marked 'Barbera Streisand Fan' lying on the floor was something I hadn't seen before - a key. One that obviously fitted the one and only locked door. Instead of picking it up and trying it I just put it in my pocket, allways knowing it was there. Occasionaly I took it out and walked to the 'Being Gay' door and started thinking about putting the key in, but never quite having the courage. One day quite recently I walked up to the door and put the key in and left it in. I was on the road to opening the door and announcing to the world 'Hey world this is me, and I'm gay!'. Then last Tuesday I went up to the door and turned they key unlocking the door. Now I have started to turn the handle, ready for the day when I can open the door. I haven't opened it yet but I'm not far from it.
As many of you may know I am a big user of the Monochrome bulletin board, the UK's largest & best Internet BBS. They have a 'Homochrome' section, for the LGB users to talk and hangout, and they also have a 'Counsellors Courner' to talk about problems and see what advice other people can give you. I intend to post this file to the Coming Out section of Mono and would just like to say a bit thanks to everyone on Mono who posted their coming out story, or added to the Problem Shared file - it was a big help. Anyway, from this and several other sites / files I have found on the Internet is one overiding question. Which is particularly strong when talking about coming out to your parents. 'Why do I want to tell them?'. This is isn't the sort of question that you can just sit down and work out an answer to, it is deeply emotional and has to come from within. Which is what I think has happened to me. The whole thing about my desire to come out over the past two weeks just happened. I didn't sit down and think, well isn't about time I came out. Because I believe the answer to that is 'No!'. You can't just make the decision it has to come to you, this is one of, if not it is the, biggest single decision / event that can happen in your life - it certainly is for me at the moment. I think the time is now right for me because after 10 years of living with it I have come to accept it, embrace it and now feel that if I want people to know me, not just the 95% of me that they do know but all of me then I need to do this. Also other events are currently happening that I feel require the people involved with them knowing. I can't discuss them at the moment but when I can you will certainly see them here in my Journal. But that is in no way the only reason for my doing this, it is a small part of it. In short I just feel the time has come and that I am now ready for people to know the truth.
So know I have started the process where do I go from here? Well slowly, I don't want to rush anything - that could prove to be counter productive. I plan to tell a few more close friends and my brother. All as soon as appropriate, but not in a walk upto them and announce 'Hey - I'm gay'. For me that feels so false, while I am going to have to do that occasionally I think and feel that it is just one of those things that fit in to coversation much better. For example, when I told Roy I sent him and E-Mail that said: 'Have you any idea how hard it is being a single 22 year old gay bloke living in Mold'. Of course this was obviously a way of telling him, but it just seemed better to fit it in in that kind of a way. Now I can say to people 'I told my best friend I'm gay the other week' if they ask what's been happening in my life.
Now I don't know how I'm going to tell my parents - that will just happen one day, but I want to make sure that I'm ready for the day that it does. I have the answers to questions they may have, I can explain to them why I'm doing this and why now. Part of that is this journal. When I started it it was just something that I have fancied doing for a while but now it can help me, I have a pathway to discuss things that happen and matter to me without boring the socks off everyone. Other things I am doing is buying a few books for them to read, again to show that they aren't the only people who have to go through this. In the past few months we have had it confirmed that Mother has Multiple Sclerosis, a bit of a shock to the system. It had been suspected for a while but even so when you actually have it confirmed the world suddenly seems a very small place in which you can feel isolated. One of the ways in which we came to terms with it was to get informed. Read information, get books about MS, join the MS society. It is similar to what I went through when I joined the SU Exec - realising you aren't alone and that there are people and resources that can help you. They may not want / need them but if it helps then I don't mind buying them. In the Coming Out section of Mono someone recomends 'Stranger In The Family - How To Cope If Your Child Is Gay' by Terry Sanderson, a book he bought for his parents. I had a look on Amazon UK and ordered a copy, I also found a few others which I ordered. Including 'Now That You Know: A Parents' Guide To Understanding Their Lesbian and Gay Children' and 'Coming Out To Parents: A Two-Way Survival Guide For Lesbians And Gay Men And Their Parents'.
Right that's about it upto now, all that remains for me to say is: 'Mum, Dad I love you loads and thanks for being their for me'.
Well I still haven't managed the "I'm Gay" speech yet, I took the soft (?) option again: E-Mail. I told them that I really could do with having a talk sometime soon away from work. Anyway they were concered so I sent them a really short E-Mail that more or less just said "It's a Gay thing". Anyway since one of them is working late a lot this week we are going out for Lunch one day, and will then organise an evening out. It's so good to have such supportive and great friends. Love you all loads.
Oh I had the 'Know That You Know' book delivered today, I've started reading it and it looks really cool. Full review when I've read a bit more, love the cover though.
Just a few quick words on the coming out to family story, referring to my wierd Alice In Wonderland theory. I was on the phone to my brother last night having a a good gossip. Anyway, during the day I decided I really should tell him. But it was as if the door described yesterday was stuck, I just couldn't get it open to tell him. Most bizzare, I'm sure it will happen one day.
For those who are wondering, in the first paragraph I said I took the soft option by E-Mailing what I wanted to talk about. Well was it really? Ok yes, it may have been easier then actually saying it face to face but it did result in the same result. This is were I think my problem is at the moment, after ten years of not talking about being gay with anyone it is difficult to change that. At the moment I don't believe my barrier is actually coming out - but actually saying the words to someone.
Now while all this is very well and good I still haven't done the 'big one', the family. However I now feel much more confident about the whole thing. I intend to tell my brother next time I talk to him, probably Sunday. It will be interesting to see if I can actually do it.
I promised a fuller review on the book 'Know That You Know'. Well I haven't read all of it but I have read the majority of it. Before I go on I have scanned the cover if you want to have a look. This is the third edition of the book published in 1998. It was originally published in 1979 and then again in 1989. This is evident in some of the text, the majority of personal experience stories do come from the 1970's. This isn't a problem - the issues discussed are still relevent. To a certain extent it is surprising how some of the experiences and reactions of society haven't changed in 20 years. This isn't to the detriment of the books primary focus or points. The two authors (Betty Fairchild and Nancy Hayward) point out at several key points that what they are describing, or the stories being referred to are unique to the storytellers viewpoints and experience. This is particular effective where they have dedicated a whole chapter about what being Gay is. Not the stereotypical society that many parents, friends and gay's themselves grow up with. It is a very good book that I believe will help a lot of parents understand their children. As well as helping the children understand what their parents are going through. I also think it will also help gay people just coming / finding out about being gay and that it isn't wrong, it isn't immoral. To use a quote from the book being can is 'a variation on natures theme'. If you can afford it (6.95 pounds sterling from Amazon UK) and you want something to read to help you and your parents this is probably worth it. I would just point out that as you read the book it becomes clear that it's authors are not professional writers, but pround parents of Lesbian / Gay children who felt a need / responsiblity to take some action and help others.
As I have said previously I knew that I would tell them on either a Thursday, Friday or Saturday. I felt that it would probably be a Friday, to give them the weekend so that they could digest the news. Well I just had a feeling on Thursday that maybe I was going to do it then. In the evening I went for a walk, which is becoming a part of my daily routine and I really do enjoy it. Most of the time on that walk my mind was occupied with 'do I don't I thoughts'. Anyway I got home said hello to parents and went upstairs to do some work on my PC. Later on my Mum came up and we had a small chat, about nothing in particular. She then had to go out, after which I asked back into my room and asked her to sit down. To which I announced: 'I'm about to do the hardest thing I have ever done. Last Sunday I told [my brother] Andrew I'm gay'. The next ten minutes are now a complete blur to me, I'm not really sure what happened. I do know that we both hugged a lot, cried and told each other we love one another. At this time I was experience a complete overloading of cconflicting emotions. Happiness and excitement because I had finally come out to my parents (one half at least) but guilt and sadness that it had upset them. Mum then went downstairs to break the news to father. After about ten minutes he came upstairs to have a talk. He was really good about the whole thing. Saying that fortunately I hadn't dented the car, because then I really would be in trouble. We talked for a few minutes and he went back downstairs.
After I had managed to regain control of my emotions and work out which way was standing up I went downstairs to see the two of them. Mum asked me 'are you feeling better now?', I replied 'Yes'. To which she responded 'Good, I'm not [chuckles]'. I did tell her that she probably won't have a very good night sleep that night and that it'll be my fault. And the next morning I was proved right.
Am I glad that I did it? Totally, now three days on it is one of the best days of my life. But how are my parents coping with it? Slowly I think is the best word. I have had ten years to get used to this, and they have only had three days - I can't expect miracles. I know that mum has finished reading 'Now That You Know', which I think has helped her understand slightly. She came to the same conclusion as me, it is a very good book but the stories are all based in the 70's which can give the impression that they may not relate to today but infact they do. All the more when you think that it would have been ten times harder to come out in the 70's.
It will be a slow process for them to fully come to terms with the news, but they will. I'm not pushing it at all, just letting them ask me questions when and where they like. Infact I spent about half an hour in a craft shop restraunt yesterday talking to mum about it.
On Friday, other then Andrew I didn't tell anyone that I had told my parents because I was still trying to sort myself out and needed some time to do it. This doesn't mean that I am now going to start running around telling everyone, it just means that I no longer have to feel I have to hide the fact that I'm gay.
While my coming out will never finish this has covered how I got over the hardest and most emotional stage. For the continuing coming out story (and loads of other really boring things) please read Mutterings & Ramblings - my on-line journal.
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