This journey of realising ones sexual identity during puberty can be hard, and for some people, a lonely experience. This is particularly true of those who find themselves to be bi-sexual, lesbian. gay or transgendered. This is my story. My journey through the wilderness of hormones, emotions and sex. It is based on "My Coming Out Story - As It Happened" with a lot of history, hind sight and retrospective narrative.

I spent my pre-teen years growing up in a small village in North Wales, Northop (or Llanergain to give it its full Welsh name). It is a very small close knit community with its own primary school, Ysgol Owen Jones. One of the benefits of living in a village like this when in Primary school is that you know everyone, and they know you. The same can be said for the parents, it is definitely a community. The year I was in (the graduating year of 84) was very much male dominated with only four girls, Abbey, Catherine, Ceri and Nicola. From this very young and tender age I remember being able to relate to the girls far more easily then the boys. I spent a lot of time playing with the boys. I have fond memories of the hi jinx we used to get up to, but I also have vivid memories of the times spent playing with the girls, running around the play ground inventing games such as 'Daleks' and our own version of Tip along with countless others. This carried on into the first year of high school, again spending time playing with the girls. This time there were more to choose from. The games had a common theme which usually involved my chasing them around the grounds. A theme that didn't continue in my later life.

It was during the summer vacation and throughout the 2nd year that my peers and I started to get spots, started becoming moody, started growing extra bodily hair. I had started puberty. The relationships between everyone started to change, shifting as we all discovered our sexuality (as opposed to sexual identity). Boys and girls couldn't become close friends, that would involve them becoming boyfriend and girlfriend - or the assumption that they are. For me I lost a whole social group I could gladly chat and laugh with, and at times I couldn't see or understand why. I knew I wasn't attracted to any of them so I couldn't see a problem. At this stage neither was I attracted to boys - I was in essence asexual - my own little self in my own little world. As the year progressed I began to suspect that I was different, I didn't know how and I didn't know why. I just knew that when I saw the boys of my year talk about the girls I didn't seem to feel their emotion - I didn't feel anything.

There was one clear and defining moment during the mid / late 2nd year that is when I knew I wasn't like the rest of my year. Daniel, from my year but not tutor group, had brought in a copy of Playboy magazine or other such top shelf mag. All the boys gathered outside the entrance to the Top / Daniel Owen Gym to get a load of what was on offer and to generally drool over. All I can remember is that while the assembled group were rather excited by the naked female flesh on display I wasn't. I made all the appropriate / expected responses, but my internal monologue had an alternative perspective. "Errr, right, this is what boys are supposed to find attractive? All I can see is a load of naked below average looking women." I do remember being interested in one aspect of the magazine, the colour composition and layout of it.

It was following this incident that I very quickly realised something didn't conform - I wasn't straight. I also knew something else, I wanted to be heterosexual, I wanted to be attracted to girls. Through my childhood I had imagined that I would grow up, get married and have two kids and a dog, who I would later decide to call Waffles. A real proper nuclear family.

Peer pressure, talks and information (or rather lack of) reinforced the outlook that the heterosexual lifestyle is right and ok, homosexual is wrong. Over the following 6 - 8 months or maybe a year that followed I went through my own emotional turmoil. Not knowing what I was, if I would / could be accepted and living in dread fear that someone would find out my awful secret. During this time I went from denial - it's just a phase with my hormones playing up, to knowing that wasn't true. But still unable to admit the truth and continuing the denial by trying to convince myself that I was bi-sexual - I still didn't want to be homosexual. This didn't last very long, I couldn't keep the truth from myself - I couldn't lie. Finally one sorrowful day I realised there was no denying, no running away, no pretending. I was definitely gay. Why sorrowful? I had no positive roll models, I had no positive imagery or support network to help me deal with my sexuality. Following this realisation was a period of being on an emotional roller coaster. I had finally discovered my identity, I knew at last who or what I was. But I didn't like it and couldn't talk to anyone about it. Once again the media image and peer pressure was that homosexuality was wrong. One friend turned one of his best friends into a worst enemy because it was suspected he was queer. Most of the imagery and media coverage at the time generally showed that being gay was wrong.

I remember one afternoon during our weekly "Life Skills" period which lasted the full afternoon we had our single Sex Education lesson of my school life (excluding Biology lessons, but they were about the physical mechanics of sex rather then sex ed. Sex education is not an easy undertaking with a group of hormonal giggly teenagers. I have to say I wasn't really very impressed by it, and the lack of discussion about homosexuality was not encouraging. Now, years later looking back at that period I feel that the school system failed me. It failed to provide me with a support network, it failed to provide any positive role models, it failed to show me that I wasn't am outcast or the only homosexual in the world, it failed to show that being gay wasn't a bad thing to be afraid of or to run from.

Although I didn't realise it at the time, Section 28 of the Local Government Act (19??) had an impact on my growing up and emotional development a single sentence in a single English lesson. As part of our GCSE English Language course we were required to make an oral presentation on a subject of our choice. In preparation for this we were having a practice oral lesson, which took place a few months after the dean of Queen lead singer Freddie Mercury. Diane had decided to do her presentation about equality. As part of her discussion she mentioned Freddie Mercury and the presses attitudes towards him, particularly his sexuality.

As with each presentation, following its completion the class discussed it and the subject matter along with issues that arose. It was once the discussion touched on homosexuality that the little Satan hoofed blow was made. Mrs Lukey, the teacher, announced that while she had no problem with the discussion and agreed with the points being made (all pro equality) she was unable to be involved because of some law that prevented teachers from discussing it in schools. This single sentence ripped through my being like a badly styled sword. Fortunately I had reached the stage where I was confident enough in myself that I was able to ignore and dismiss it for what it was - Tory government rubbish.

During this time of trying to reconcile what the world was telling me and what I knew and felt (I'm a good person with a lot of love, affection and understanding to give) I found comfort in two television programs and one TV movie. The first series used to be shown at 9pm on Wednesday nights by Channel 4. "Out" was a current affairs program dealing with matters relating to the lesbian, gay, bi-sexual and transgendered communities. This was really my first exposure to positive images and portrayal of gay life. It helped to reinforce what I believed - being gay isn't wrong or something to be ashamed of - it was simply a variation of one of natures themes.

The 2nd program was not related to, but some may say it was aimed at, gay men. It was a very successful American sitcom - "The Golden Girls". It was shown at 10:00pm on Wednesday nights, again on Channel 4. I used to watch the program almost religiously each week, the show was fabulously entertaining and great fun to watch. I also used it as escapism, I was quite jealous of the girls. I wanted to be able to sit around a table with a group of friends comparing notes and bitching about men while eating chocolate cheesecake. At the time this just seemed like some dream of a fantasy dream world - my own queer Narnia.

The TV Movie was made by the BBC and based on a book by David Leavitt. It was "The Lost Language of Cranes". I have recently been able to buy a copy of the video nearly 10 years after it was made. The video describes the movie as:

The rigid angular movement of construction cranes becomes a metaphor for the destructive sexual hypocrisy that rips at one family in this compelling and affecting BBC adaptation of David Leavitt's litterary masterpiece.

Phillip (Angus Macfayden), a London college student, is falling in love with a headstrong American - a young man named Elliott (Corey Parker). The relationship makes him determined to tell his reserved English parents, an academician (Brian Cox) and a book editor (Eileen Atkins), of his homosexuality. But his revelation exposes a foundation of hidden secrets and repressed passions that threaten to destroy the family - even as it promises to set each of its members free.

A third confidence / morale building took place during daytime TV . It was during a school and Vacation as 'This Morning' was doing a special phone-in for school kids. I don't remember the exact detail of the main subject but I clearly remember some of the guests. They had a 15 / 16 year old boy and a female friend of his. He was gay. This was my first exposure to a gay teenager approximately the same age as me, something that was quite fab in itself. I was also quite jealous of him. He came out to his friends and most his his year in school one day in the common room. He stood up and announced that he was gay, much to every ones shock. During my fifth and final year at High School I had to decide which A-Levels to take. My best friend had decided to go onto a Further Education at a local college to do a BTEC National Diploma in Engineering. many discussion with him about this and a visit to the college soon convinced me that this was the best way to proceed for my academic development, so I too moved onto Deeside College. Once I had completed my time at Deeside College I moved into Higher Education. Studying at the North East Wales Institute of Higher Education (NEWI) just down the road from Deeside College and home in Wrexham. I was starting a three year BSc(Hons) Computer Studies course and continued to live at home with my parents. During the 1st year if my time at NEWI once again I was not aware of any "gay community" at the college or in the area. The only exposure I had was knowledge that the Vice President for Welfare within the Student's Union was gay. This didn't go down with some of my fellow students on the course, they were positively disgusted and generally anti-Shaun, due to his homosexuality. I'm not sure they had met him, or if they had spent any more then a minute talking to him.

Two distinct things, as opposed to events, helped boost my confidence in my sexuality and for the first time actually help me realize I wasn't alone. I wasn't isolated. The fist item was a magazine - Gay Times. I had known of it's existence for several years after seeing it in WH Smith and other leading News Agents around in Rhyl and Chester. I travelled to and from the college each day on the bus and I had finally plucked up enough courage to buy a copy, my first gay magazine. There was a small news agents adjacent to the main bus station in Wrexham. So one afternoon when lectures had finished I wandered into town to the shop. I walked in a nervous wreck, I was the stereo typical closet porn shopper. I had a look around, looking at other magazines until the shop was empty. And then I went in for the kill, I wandered up to the end of shelf reached up to the top shelf and nervously carried a copy of Gay Times to the counter to pay for it. I was quite clearly nervous as the magazine was neatly wrapped in a paper bag sealed with a piece of selotape.

The second was the Internet and an Internet Bulletin Board System (BBS) called Monochrome. The Internet is one of the few tools that can any anyone find a community and group of friends anywhere in the world - what ever it may be. For me it let me find a gay community, become a part of it and make new friends. The other advantage of the Internet is that it allows you to do this without exposing your real identity, it gives you a certain amount of anonymity. Access to the queer cyber community helps you find several things. Firstly, individuals. You get to read about gay people, their lives and quite often their coming out stories. It also helps to show how varied and diverse the gay community is. Within it there are smaller communities that people may identify with, not all gay men are 50's clones or as camp as Graham Norton (some may say apart from me).

Monochrome was at its height of popularity when the Web was still in its infancy.

My first real-life experience of meeting other gay people came in the second year of college at the Students Union. At the start of the second year the SU Executive Committee (the Union's ruling body and trustee's) was extended to include some new positions, one of which I was very interested in - Communications Officer. These were non-sabbatical roles which suited me down to the ground. So I talked to them, decided it was for me and posted my nomination. I ran un-opposed (apart from R.O.N. - Re-Open Nominations) and was duly elected to the post. Hurrah! I thoroughly enjoyed my 2nd year in college with the SU, the job was good fun, the people great and it was nice to be actively involved in student life. Through my position I became friends with a group of students who would form the colleges LGBF (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Friends) Society. I never went to any of their meetings for fear of being found out and word spreading to my parents. But just knowing them was a good confidence boost for me - I wasn't alone.

On many bus journeys to and from college, in many day dreams I would run over countless ways I could come out, who I would tell, how, in what order and why. And yet each time I didn't / couldn't. While I had the confidence that I knew what my sexual identity was - a Barbra Stresiand loving friend of Dorothy 100% paid up card carrying rampant homosexual - I didn't have the support network I needed to come out. All my LGB friends at the college were ace, but I didn't feel they where a support network I could use or rely on.

I felt constrained and restricted, unable to set the hills alive to the sound of my music.

During the third year of my degree I became an employee of the college as one of the IT / Network Support staff. This allowed me greater access to the Internet, through an Internet dial-up facility the department operated. This allowed greater less paranoid access to the Internet from home. No longer would I have the dread fear of someone coming up behind me and having to brush off awkward questions with even more awkward answers.

The idea of maintaining a journal / diary has always fascinated me since the days I first watched "Doogie Howser MD". On 28th December 1998 I decided to start writing my own journal and publishing it on the Internet. During its early weeks I wasn't really sure what I was going to write or how long it would last before I got bored and gave up. Then near the end of January 1999 I knew that I would carry on writing it, and what it would be used for.

"I have finally done it", this is how I started the coming out entry of my journal at 1:23pm on 24th January 1999. I was still on a high, living the rush of being able to talk to people about my sexuality. It was such an emotional fix it had taken me five days to commit this to writing, five very happy and exciting days. Five days since the day I had waited 22 years for.

The process of leaving my closet was finally kick started by one of my closest and longest standing friend, the only one I have kept in touch with since school. While chatting to him on the Sunday evening (17th January 1999) he made a comment along the lines of "So dude, when are you going to come out?" I suspect the comment was brushed off by me and the subject quickly changed by him. I knew he suspected that I was gay, but it was something we didn't discuss. We both knew that I would talk about it and tell him when I was ready to, whenever that was.

This remark and the simple two word question "You ok?" started the process of my opening the closet door. I didn't realise this until a few weeks later (26th January 1999) and how much an effect it had on me. It was a realisation that both surprised and shocked me - I was starting to feel depressed, both with work and privately feeling that I was so far back in the closet I was practically living with the Lion & Witch!

So for no other reason other then it felt right, on the 19th January 1999 I came out to my best friend. On that day I woke up and knew what was going to happen. If I truly believed in such things I would say it was my destiny / fate to start opening the door to the world on that day. When I arrived at the college, one of my first tasks after making a cup of tea was to make an appointment with one of the college counselors at 4:00pm that very day. After 22 years of waiting some would find out without a doubt that I was gay. In the morning, not long after I had made the appointment I sent the following e-mail to my closest and longest standing friend:

How are you?

Hey have you any idea how depressing it can be being a 22yo single gay bloke living in Mold? There aren't really that many places you can hang out I can tell you. Only the specialist bars - the ones where you get beaten up.

Ho hum
Mat

I don't remember much that happened during the three meetings I had with Anne, all I remember of the first meeting is walking in, sitting down with my cup of coffee on the small table next to me. Anne asked me what I would like to talk about and I replied "it's a gay thing". I didn't know how to start the conversation, I had never talked about my sexuality before.

The only other detail I can remember from this first meeting is very clear. I remember looking over to my right and taking a stack of tissues. I was experiencing such a flood of strongly conflicting emotions I didn't know how to handle them other then to cry.

--- Take lead from old CO story ---

--- Coming out at work ... the Happy Homo site story ---

--- life is great, met Dean and started going out - Year 1/2 ---

--- Got loads of great gay friends - 1st gay pride marches ---

--- Started Grab to help others like the Internet helped me ---

gay resources and pages	www.friendsofdorothy.net